My last 10 months here in Japan have been many things. Challenging, beautiful, unforgettable, strange.... and lonely. There are millions of people on this small island nation of Japan but loneliness sits thick like a fog that somedays just wont lift. Today however was a b e a u t i f u l day full of evidence of His promises. I got to enjoy a long walk with Him with the Sakura in full bloom now in Miyagi. It was as if Heaven opened.
We are social creatures but lately, especially within the confines of smaller spaces, I see how much all this unconscious talking is to soften the pain of loneliness and insecurity. Women especially talk way tooooo much... myself included.
Its these insecurities in me that separate me more and more from others though....making a small crack, into a gap which then soon becomes a crevice or a valley. I shouldn't pull away in doubt and fear when these are people who really know me and see me the most truthfully. But I do. Its as though I fear the goodness of the blessing... or that it will be taken away.
Dun, dun, dun. Yes... it has become that obvious, I have abandonment fears. Just when I think I've gotten to a healthy place with it and that its all healed up... it shows its ugly face again. I have strong clear images of where Jesus stands in these old memories and has brought healing... but my flesh always wants to believe the lies again and doubt the truth.
Dun, dun, dun. Yes... it has become that obvious, I have abandonment fears. Just when I think I've gotten to a healthy place with it and that its all healed up... it shows its ugly face again. I have strong clear images of where Jesus stands in these old memories and has brought healing... but my flesh always wants to believe the lies again and doubt the truth.
What the hell is that all about?
I used to think until now it is enough to remember others in prayer and memory. My memory often feels closer than all the business of life between two. Its important but its not enough. We must be willing to be the first to say, "I love you. I will pray for you". We must be willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not produce a desired response. We must be willing to sacrifice time for the things we want in order to be with others.
Jesus shows us this in Luke 24 (* thank you Makito Sensei + Maki). Its not enough not only because we are oriented for relationship but because it is the people who know our hearts and love us dearly who will speak truth into us about who we really are and who we are being made into.
Even if it seems unlikely to us that we can be such a person.
 |
| Hanami with Haruna + teachers in Sendai, Tsutsujigaoka Koen |
In Luke 24 after Jesus was found to have risen from the tomb, just as He said He would, those who had been closest to Him were talking back and forth; still doubting that what was said to take place really did. Then Jesus appears to them saying, "Peace be with you". So to say, "Why the troubled hearts"? "Why the thick headedness"? "Why so slow hearted"?
Jesus shows us the example of true belonging and worthiness here even in the midst of stupidity (those moments when we feel the most alone), He patiently explains to us the truth. He doesn't give up and walk away from us. Desperate for more company with Him, they urge Him to stay with them a little longer. He does so and serves them as the host when in fact He is the guest in order to make clear the truth about His feelings toward them. Even though their doubts were what was separating them from having peace, He then still reminds them that just as He promised He is sending the power from the Father for their equipping. He speaks into our lives the truth that we still haven't fully grown into.
At the end of March I had a four-day visit with my dear friend Michelle, family and new friends in Tokyo. Michelle and I seem to only get to see each other every three months so it was wonderful! Being together, experiencing God in the things around us, allows us to see these truths more clearly and call them into existence, becoming eye-witnesses together to what He is making of our lives for His purposes. It says that they returned to Jerusalem bursting with joy and worshipping Him after their visit with Jesus. His presence and promises brought them joy and peace. Without it... they filled the emptied air with worried talking.
 |
| Good food, fellowship and laughs in Tokyo "Hey guy!" was used to get waiters attention rather than "sumimasen" or "excuse me".... and it worked!!! |
Geographically I am far from many and close to some. But, now, I hope that by letting go of what I think I should be or what I think I am not, I can embrace vulnerability better from where I am. Those that have put up with my distance and stupidity and chosen to remind me of the truth.... I love you from the bottom of my heart!
"There is a twilight zone in our hearts that we ourselves cannot see. Even when we know quite a lot about ourselves-our gifts and weaknesses, our ambitions and aspirations, our motives and our drives-large parts of ourselves remain in the shadow of consciousness. This is a very good thing. We will always remain partially hidden to ourselves. Other people, especially those who love us, can often see our twilight zones better than we ourselves can. The way we are seen and understood by others is different from the way we see and understand ourselves. We will never fully know the significance of our presence in the lives of our friends. That's a grace, a grace that calls us not only to humility, but to a deep trust in those who love us. It is the twilight zones of our hearts where true friendships are born.” -H. Nouwen
Sakura now in bloom in Miyagi
Their beauty speaks truth of His promise of restoration.
