true love

Reading Bonhoeffer again. I am amazed at the heart and understanding of such a man about God. I can be so blind, selfish and callous; I am so weak too!

oh that God would help me:

see with eyes like His,
understand  + know with a mind like His,
love with compassion like His...

“God loves human beings. God loves the world. Not an ideal human, but human beings as they are; not an ideal world, but the real world. What we find repulsive in their opposition to God, what we shrink back from with pain and hostility, namely, real human beings, the real world, this is for God the ground of unfathomable love.”
-Diedrich Bonhoeffer (Letters)

:: selah ::

  

dear God, i can do nothing but stammer to you. i can do nothing but hold out my heart to you.  you created us in your likeness. our hearts are uneasy until they find peace in you.

-sophie scholl in her final hours before her death

with eyes wide open...

"i am a little church(no great cathedral)
far from the splendor and squalor of hurrying cities
--i do not worry if briefer days grow briefest,
i am not sorry when sun and rain make april

my life is the life of the reaper and the sower;
my prayers are prayers of earth's own clumsily striving
(finding and losing and laughing and crying)children
whose any sadness or joy is my grief or my gladness

around me surges a miracle of unceasing
birth and glory and death and resurrection:
over my sleeping self float flaming symbols
of hope,and i wake to a perfect patience of mountains

i am a little church(far from the frantic
world with its rapture and anguish)at peace with nature
--i do not worry if longer nights grow longest;
i am not sorry when silence becomes singing

winter by spring,i lift my diminutive spire to
merciful Him Whose only now is forever:
standing erect in the deathless truth of His presence
(welcoming humbly His light and proudly His darkness)"
— E.E. Cummings

:: be still :: 静けさ :: 安らか ::

:: Let be and be still, and know (recognize and understand) that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations! I will be exalted in the earth! ::
psalm 46:10

i was encouraged lovingly to "have a walk" yesterday... in other words, Alea, you need a rest! I am so grateful for it too. i know an ' alea' who would have not long ago said, "pff, rest.. who are you to tell me what I need"? but last year really did 'sock me' in good and i am reminded of how dependent i am on my loving God. we need  one another and the reminder from a friend sometimes to
take a rest. i didn't realize until the day began + finally i allowed myself to settle into the stillness of just "being" there at the lake here at camp morigo, of where i was spiritually, emotionally and physically just a year ago. i decided to revisit my blog and found a post from the same
day last year. i found myself broken a bit trying to get my head around how quickly i had forgotten that all i am is His. this time last year, i was so weak
and dependent on the people around me + on my Lord that I could not even get to my feet to get myself a glass of water. being as strong willed + independent as i am, it was destructive to "kingdom me"  (私 王国 ).
 i am reading, "dangerous surrender" right now and it is not by coincidence i think that i found myself stumbling upon pages addressing the very thing...again. being able bodied now + with a heart full of gratitude for how God spared my life and revealed Himself to me... had gotten me here full of hope; but my humanity was
leading me down a slippery path again.. the one that leads to the belief that, " I can do all things". while this is true.. it is missing the most important part, " ....THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH"!  And no one comes to the Father except through His son Jesus Christ. our communion and relationship with the Father is sacred. time to just sit + be still is essential to our lives. as essential as the air we breath. it feeds our spirit, our minds, our hearts + our physical body (nervous system, respiratory system, circulatory system, digestive system, reproductive system).

 i don't mean to say that i have forgotten all of what last year gave to me... i remember it well and each morning, i wake with a deep + profound gratitude for life. i think since getting to japan... i have felt finally i am able to give some thing back as an expression of my gratitude to my Lord. suffering is personal to me now and i can have empathy i think for the victims even though i know nothing of what it was like for them to experience the tragedy of the disasters here.
little do i remember though (my brain is so small)... that i can offer him the most when I come and be still before him... remembering He is God. He is Creator...I am "created". He is Lover.... I am "loved".
we can love only because He first loved us, and I cannot offer a listening ear and sit peacefully next to a victim offering my presence and compassion unless i first sit still and peacefully before God listening,waiting + giving thanks for Him: the maker of all things. i've met people throughout my life that think im "nuts" about God or "nuts" for coming to Japan at this time... but all I can say is when you find yourself in the place i did last year, where you know nothing else but throw yourself at Him, and you know nothing else can save you... you cant even help yourself... you surrender it ALL! i don't fear much these days after what I experienced last year. spending time with doctors who lack bedside manner and being told they think its cancer are at about the top of the list. only thing I really fear is "myself". i am fearful of me and how easily i can fall back into the trap of thinking i am "invincible" or how easily i acquire the key to kingdom me again and again. 
ive been traveling this journey with Jesus for a while now but nothing in my life prepared me for facing the "reality" of death. my body was failing me ... thankfully,i am alive today to share an amazing story of love, but i have got to remember that God is my Sustainer. Only He knows the number of my days.

"be still alea... remember I am your God" was the calm and gentle voice I heard in the stillness reminding me of who He has been for me, who He is now for me + who He will always be for me. He is always the same...
He saved me, healed me + loves me. what in that is not worthy of gratitude and adoration?


he invites us: "come unto me... " matthew 11:28. is this not one of the sweetest passages in the new testament? this need not be only once with acceptance of faith, we can come to him daily and we should. in fact i think we see ourselves more clearly, when we aknowledge we are weak and limited.

we are made to give. made to give ourselves away... to others in love and service, but not with out first remembering; all we are is His. we are made to give ourselves to him first. be still. give him you. for when we are weak, He is strong.